


Our Remaining Sanity

by phunWorks



Series: I Want to Be Alive When You See My Eyes [3]
Category: Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Depression, More tags to be added as story progresses, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, but could be later, institutionalized, it's not happy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2018-01-20
Packaged: 2018-10-19 23:50:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10650666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phunWorks/pseuds/phunWorks
Summary: Sequel to 'Midnight Therapy' and apart of the 'I Want to Be Alive When You See My Eyes' series.It's been nine months since Tyler was hauled off by the police. Nine months since Josh and the Joseph family's world came crashing down around them. The catalyst was a bullet. All these months later, Josh is out of high school and away from his family, living in an apartment and working at his friend's shop. Tyler is being released into his custody under the condition that he works towards recovery.Is recovery even possible after what's happened?





	1. One Half of My Heart is Free

**Author's Note:**

> Read the tags, know the triggers. Please.
> 
> Josh's POV

June was no month to have the A/C on your car give out, but sure enough that's when it decided to. Josh had the windows of his Corolla down as he waited outside the state hospital Tyler had been involuntarily admitted to. Josh figured it would be better than if he had been convicted of murder and sent to jail, but according to Tyler during visitation; is wasn't.  Josh knew that his friend had gotten into multiple altercations, one leaving another boy unable to breathe and barely making it to the hospital in time. Those events took place not long after he was shipped to the hospital from the adult corrections facility. Yep, you heard that right, they booked him as an adult since his birthday was just a few months away and he'd been charged with a first degree felony. Josh wasn't sure where the change took place in his best friend; if it was when Tyler pulled the trigger, when he was cuffed in the living room, when he was being hauled away, in the jail or in the hospital. Either way, Josh had noticed a change in his friend a few months back. He was still Tyler in most respects but at the same time... he wasn't. Of course, how could he be? After everything he went through these past nine months, how could Tyler ever be that guy, again? His case worker instructed Josh to never push to have the 'old Tyler' back or even expect that as an option. Josh had been taking classes and was now a certified mental health care giver. He was to be Tyler's nearly full time and his shifts at the shop were already cut down to two days a week to bring in extra cash. At the moment though, heat was all Josh could stand to think about. Why did the damn A/C have to give out in the middle of goddamn summer? 

Josh wiped sweat from his eyes and when he finally looked out in front of him again, he saw one of the orderlies waving in his direction. Josh waved back hesitantly with confusion. "Hey," a voice boomed from the passenger's side of the car, causing Josh to jump high enough to hit his head on the roof of his car. "You gonna unlock the door or what?" Josh hit the button and the locks shot up, followed by Tyler climbing into the car beside him. Tyler gazed out the windshield absently and Josh couldn't help but notice the lack of animation on his friend's face. He must've had to take his meds prior to being released, the same medication Josh already have stalked in a locked cabinet at his apartment. Tyler turned his head to look at Josh, his stare blank and unamused. "Take a picture, it'll last longer."

"Sorry, it's just...." Josh didn't know where he was going with this sentence but finished with a classic, "It's nice to see you out of that place, Ty."

Tyler nodded and cleared his throat. "I'm sorry if I'm a little touchy right now. I'm still adjusting to a couple of the meds and I feel like crap because of it."

"Well, lucky for you, I know a cure for that," Josh said with a smile. Tyler furrowed his eyebrows in interest. "Taco Bell and ice cream. Perfect bathroom disaster."

Tyler smiled. "Sounds good, Dun."

 

*** (9 months ago) ***

 

Josh pressed it again. "Inhale, 1-2-3-4. Hold, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-" The phone's screen went black indicating the battery was no more. The sun came through the window but Josh stared at his phone. 

"Joshua, get your ass out here," he heard his dad yell from the other side of the door. "I know you're fucking awake, your light's on." Josh stood up and walked to the door mechanically. He wasn't here, he was still in that living room with Tyler. Still fixated on the fact that he didn't take his best friend to the hospital right away. He twisted the door knob and pulled. His dad's face was red with rage and his eyes were on fire. "Where the fuck is my car and why the hell did you get home in a squad car?" Josh shrugged. "You better fucking answer me, Joshua, or I swear I'll-"

"Kill me," Josh proposed. Bill stopped and waited for Josh to continue. "You gonna kill me dad. Well, then fucking do it and get it the fuck over with. You'll be doing me a goddamn favor. At least in death I won't have to deal with a power-hungry, 'throw my weight around' jackass, for a father." Bill was in too much shock to respond to his son before the bedroom door was shut and locked in his face. _Bang._ Josh went over to his desk drawer. _Blood._  Setting the prescription bottles down on his desk, he quickly glanced at what each on was for. _Brain matter._  Some hydros, from breaking his arm last April. _Screaming._ Some Zoloft and Lorazepam. _Sirens._  He didn't know how much he'd have to take to end it all, so he opted to swallow as many of them at once until there were no more left to swallow. _"I'm sorry...."_  His usually full jug of water was now empty along with the bottles and he heart began to beat hard against his chest.  _Inhale, 1-2-3-4. Hold, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8. Exhale, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7._ Calming darkness.

 

***(7 months ago)***

 

Josh climbed into the passenger's side of the old red pickup. "How does it feel to be free," Pete asked with a smirk. Josh wasn't amused but appreciated his friend's attempt stay positive.

"Like I need to sleep in my own bed and enjoy a life without being watched," Josh answered. Pete simply nodded and started the truck. As they were pulling out of the hospital's parking lot, Josh dared to ask the question that had been weighing on his mind since he was admitted. "Any word on Tyler?"

Pete bit his lip and nodded. "You sure you're ready," he asked after a moment's hesitation. 

"I wouldn't have asked if I thought I couldn't handle it," Josh argued. He knew Pete was just trying to protect him, but he wasn't a baby, he didn't need anyone hiding the truth from him.

"Tyler's trial was ruled not guilty of all charges," Pete said. Josh felt himself breathe for the first time in two months. "But...." Of course there was a fucking catch. "The judge ordered him to be treated at the state hospital until he was deemed stable by the staff there. So, who knows how long it will be until the guy's free of being institutionalized." 

Josh nodded, taking in the information. It could be worse, he could still be in jail. "How's Zack and the kids?" Pete flinched. "What?"

"Zack got some bad news from the intake doctor at the foster center." Josh held his breath and waited for more explanation. "They found a few lumps and it turns out the kid has cancer. I don't know what type or stage or anything, but yeah... he's pretty sick. They've started treatment and stuff." Pete was silent for a while, probably assessing how Josh was taking everything. He must've been convincing because Pete continued, "Kelly got custody back of all three of them. She also has a restraining order in place against Tyler for whenever he gets out of the hospital. I don't know where he's going to go."

"Fucking bitch," Josh whispered. 

"I know." 

"Tyler saved that whole fucking family from that jackass and she pulls this crap," Josh yelled.

"I know," Pete said with a nod. "But, hey, there's nothing we can do about it. All we can do now is try to set some stuff up so Tyler won't have to live off the street."

 

***(Present)***

 

Tyler had fallen asleep somewhere along the long stretch of highway back to Josh's apartment. It was late evening now and the sun was disappearing behind them. Josh continued on driving into the darkness. The radio was on low, but didn't seem to deter Josh's mind from wandering to different areas he'd rather not wander to. That night still played on repeat in his brain whenever things got quiet. Without distraction Josh could still see brain matter. He could still smell the blood and gun smoke. He still heard all of the screaming. And he still felt his heart almost beat out of his chest not long after he took those pills. The calm that came initially didn't remain that way, considering his woke up with Ashley's fingers in his mouth, feeling himself puking and convulsing. But that was then. Things were different now, Josh reminded himself. He didn't have hardly any contact with his father and rarely went back to the house outside of holidays. He rather have his mixed up family of friends than his actual family. Josh was careful now when it came to pushing himself into situations. He didn't over-extend himself anymore, which was something he'd never been good about before. He kept a normal sleep schedule, took his medication, went to therapy and even got a cat as an emotional therapy animal. Was he still depressed? Definitely, but at least he wasn't suicidal. Glass half-full, a new outlook on life. Now that Tyler was finally out of the hospital, Josh felt like he could finally stop worrying. Nothing bad could happen to Tyler if Josh was there. He could keep an eye on his best friend.

"S-s-stopp, pl-pleas-se...," Tyler muttered in his seat, obviously still asleep. He was having one of his nightmares/flashbacks. Josh put on his hazards and pulled the vehicle over. He turned up the radio slightly, just making it loud enough that Tyler would be able to use it to help ground himself once he was woken. "N-nn-no...."

"Ty," Josh said, a voice loud but not stern. Tyler didn't seem to acknowledge it, though. "Tyjo," Josh said, playfully yelling. Tyler's eyes shot open and he looked over at Josh. Josh smiled at him. "You alright, buddy?" 

Tyler nodded and took a few deep breaths. _Thank god it wasn't a bad one_ , Josh thought to himself. "Where are we," Tyler asked, obviously avoiding whatever residual turmoil that remained in his mind from his dream. 

"We're about ten minutes outside of the city limits. My apartment is like, fifteen minutes away," Josh answered. 

"How long was I asleep," Tyler asked.

"Couldn't have been any longer than forty minutes," Josh said with a shrug. "I didn't really keep track, though."

"And you call yourself a caregiver, pfft," Tyler mocked. He was wearing his signature smirk, the one that reminded Josh of 'old Tyler'. "Unbelievable. You don't even keep track of my sleep for me."

"Hey, one little mistake. I think I'm like the Gillette Fusion of caregivers," Josh joked back. "The best a man can get." They laughed at each other for a few minutes before Josh turned off the hazards and pulled back onto the highway. 

They could be alright. Together they could get through this.


	2. The Other Half Of My Heart's Asleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler never thought he'd be so happy by the simple act of having his hospital bracelet cut off and thrown away.

Tyler never thought he'd be so happy by the simple act of having his hospital bracelet cut off and thrown away, but it felt just as good or better than when his cuffs were removed seven months ago. It didn't stop his mind from wandering, like it always did, though. As he was being processed out and given his belongings, including the clothes he was wearing the night of the incident, he was told Josh was outside waiting for him. Tyler had asked if anyone else had come with his friend but the orderly said that Josh was alone. Tyler was both disappointed and relieved at this information. He hadn't seen his brother since the trial and his mother had a judge invoke a restraining order against Tyler. He couldn't walk within a thousand meters of Kelly or his siblings. Josh had been their messenger for the two boys to speak. That's how Tyler found out about Zack's condition. Tyler was relieved no one else was currently their, though. Josh could handle Tyler's moodiness, whereas he'd just scare his brother. It really amazed him that the hospital was letting him out. Tyler knew he wasn't stable, outside of his mood swings. Apparently, according to the doctor, his mood resided at mild depression when stable. Either way, his medication was adjusted, he was actually compliant with them and did all of the group sessions. Still, the fact that they were discharging him so soon after his compliance was anything but genuine. He knew what the real reason was. He didn't have insurance to help pay the bill anymore, not since his mother found a way to get him taken off. Further proving how much she hated Tyler for what he did. Not that he blamed her. He hated himself for it, just the same. Only difference was the fact that he couldn't restrain himself from him. He was forced to deal with what he felt. It was real and therefore no distraction could mask his shame and all of the pain that came with it.

Walking out the door in front of the orderly who'd just begun working there a week ago, Tyler didn't look back. He spotted Josh sitting in his car with the windows rolled down and walked straight to it. Tyler lifted the handle but the car was locked. He noticed that Josh was waving awkwardly over at the orderly, "Hey," Tyler said to get his attention, nearly giving the other boy a heart attack. "You gonna unlock the door or what?"  _Well that came out meaner than intended_ , he thought to himself. The lock popped up and Tyler opened the door and dropped into the seat. Tyler stared through the windshield at the building ahead of them. His mind began to journey to one of his first days there. 

 

***(6 months ago)***

 

Group therapy sucked, it was always either too deep or too cheesy, and everyone was required to participate. Today, they were playing some variations of 20 questions. Tyler was up next, unfortunately. "Alright, Tyler. Are you ready?"

"Is that the question," Tyler asked back. "If so, then no and you can move onto the next person." Some of the other patients chuckled at this, including Mikey who was Tyler's roommate here. Mikey was an interesting guy, to say the least. Tyler never asked exactly why the guy closest to his age was here. It was none of his business. Mikey had dyed black hair that cover part of his face at all times. He was a quiet guy, for the most part, until you got him going about some new artist or whatever. The guy liked to write and draw and always found a new way to occupy his time. Sometimes he occupied his time a little too loud in their shared bathroom, though. Those were the drawings no one was allowed to see. Not that Tyler minded.

"Tyler, no back talk today," the nurse warned. She picked out a folded piece of paper from the bowl. "Name something you feel guilty about." _Was she fucking serious?_ Tyler dropped his gaze to his intertwined fingers on his lap. He could still see the cuffs around his wrists, he still felt the cold and restricting metal dig into his skin. Then he saw those eyes. Dark, cold, dead eyes stare into nothing. And the blood.... "Tyler, come on. What's one thing you feel guilty over?"

Tyler could hardly contain his rage towards this woman who should've known better than to ask this stupid fucking question. "I'm guilty and regretful of not telling you to stick your questions and that bowl up your admittedly loose ass due to fucking all of the orderlies in this place." Before he'd finished the sentence, one of those said orderlies 'Brad' marched over and took Tyler by the arm. Tyler didn't struggle, he wanted out of that pathetic excuse for therapy and away from that stuck up nurse.

 

***(Present)***

 

In his peripheral vision, Tyler noticed Josh staring. This got on Tyler's nerves, "Take a picture, it'll last longer." _Damn, that came out harsh_. 

"Sorry, it's just...," his friend stammered. Tyler felt his anger dissipate into nothing, only to be refilled by guilt for having snapped. "It's nice to see you out of that place, Ty."

Tyler nodded and cleared his throat, trying to shed some of his self-depreciating thoughts. "I'm sorry if I'm a little touchy right now. I'm still adjusting to a couple of the meds and I feel like crap because of it," he lied. He'd adjusted to his medication fully, a week ago. His anxiety was up, though. It was overwhelming. He'd wanted out of that place but he'd grown so accustomed to it. Without that schedule and structure, he wasn't sure if he could function. 

"Well, lucky for you, I know a cure for that," Josh said with a smile. Tyler furrowed his eyebrows in interest. "Taco Bell and ice cream. Perfect bathroom disaster."

There was the Josh that Tyler loved so much. He missed that while he was inside. Only during Josh's visits, and sometimes with Mikey, did Tyler ever feel human again. "Sounds good, Dun," he said with a smile. 

 

***(9 months ago)***

 

After being stripped naked, searched and then searched again, Tyler was now in his blue jump suit and was holding a towel, toilet paper, a plastic tooth brush and a paper and pencil as he walked restrained and uncoordinated behind the officer. The officer stopped and Tyler promptly followed. "Alright, Joseph. This one's yours." The guard behind him grabbed his shoulders while the other guard unlocked the cuffs around his ankles and wrists. The cell door promptly opened and Tyler hesitantly walked inside. There was an inmate already in there, leaning against the far wall with his arms crossed. He was tall, at least a head taller than Tyler. His skin was pale and his eyes followed suit with a hint of blue. He had a few inches to his brown beard and darker hair. Tattoos littered his arms and exposed chest, and were cut off under his muscle shirt. 

_**Ten bucks says that we can take him.** _

"Shut up," Tyler said on impulse.

"What," the man asked, stepping forward. The cell had already shut behind Tyler, there was no proper escape. Out of the small shadow, Tyler could now see just how ripped the guy before him was. 

_**Come on. You're faster than this fat ass.** _

Tyler shook his head, willing Blurry to just leave. "Nothing," Tyler lied. "I d-didn't say anything." 

**_Quit stuttering, damn it_. **

"Damn right you didn't say anything," he threatened. His voice was deep and intimidating. More than that, he sounded like Chris. He sounded like his dad. 

**_We can make that tooth brush into a weapon, Ty. Come on. I want to see this man's insides on his outsides._ **

"S-stopp, pl-pleas-se...," Tyler stuttered and shook his head. 

"Oh, god," the man's voice boomed. "You're not one of them psychos are you?" 

"N-nn-no...," he stammered. 

**_Tell him the truth, T_** _y_

 

***(Present)***

 

"Tyjo," a playful voice caught his attention and breath all at once. He felt his body shake and his muscles tighten. He was in Josh's car and the radio was playing at a decent volume. He looked over at Josh. Josh smiled at him. "You alright, buddy?" _  
_

Tyler nodded and took a few deep breaths trying to calm his rattled nerves. "Where are we," he finally let out, thankful his voice came out even. 

"We're about ten minutes outside of the city limits. My apartment is like, fifteen minutes away," Josh answered. 

"How long was I asleep," Tyler asked.

"Couldn't have been any longer than forty minutes," Josh said with a shrug. "I didn't really keep track, though."

"And you call yourself a caregiver, pfft," Tyler mocked, trying to settle both his and Josh's obvious worry. He was able to form his signature smirk, the one he used to lie his way to making people worry less about him. "Unbelievable. You don't even keep track of my sleep for me."

"Hey, one little mistake. I think I'm like the Gillette Fusion of caregivers," Josh joked back. "The best a man can get." They laughed at each other for a few minutes before Josh turned off the hazards and pulled back onto the highway. 

While Josh focused on the road, Tyler let himself think some more. Josh was a reminder of a time before everything happened. That's one of the reasons he loved Josh. It's also one of the reasons he despised him. See, Josh was that guy that wanted to be there through everything Tyler went through. He was that guy that Tyler wanted with him through everything, but was happy he wasn't all the same. Tyler was almost certain that Josh wouldn't have made it. He was sure most people couldn't. He didn't know how he even did it. All the same, he was accustomed to a certain level of brutality and imprisonment. Hell, maybe he could actually thank Chris for something, after all. He could thank him for being such an unloving, selfish, brutal dickhead. He could thank him for all of the times he'd sent Tyler to the hospital. All of the times he made Tyler lie so that he could avoid jail. Everything. Everything Tyler learned how to survive with, he could thank his father. He could also thank his father for being the reason Tyler could never feel what it is to live normally. To not have to lie and say that he's fine. He could blame his dad for stripping away every ounce of childhood before Tyler had even turned six. 

 He wasn't alright. He couldn't get through this. Not ever. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is also a shorter chapter.
> 
> Any longer and it wouldn't have felt right to leave it off here, though.


	3. Just Soggy From the Chemo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was happy for a moment, right up until a pang of guilt hammered his stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short but I'm trying to publish new chapters once a week.

***(7 months ago)***

 

"Hey, I'm calling for Joseph, Tyler. This is his brother, Zack," he said quietly into the mic. He couldn't let his mom hear him from her bedroom. The restraining order included phone calls but the hospital didn't have to know that. 

"May I get the patient identification number and code," the lady asked over the line.

"ID is: Twenty One. Code word is: Pilot," Zack recited from what Josh had told him. Kind of stupid, he felt the code word should be plural, maybe then and along with the numbers it'd be a cool name for something. Maybe a band...

"Alright, sir. I'll get him on the phone for you. Just one moment, please."

"Thank you," he replied. He hoped Tyler was willing to go behind their mom's back but that wasn't what had him anxious. He couldn't stop worry about Tyler's psyche. Last time he'd seen his brother, he had been barely functional. That and...

"Zack," Tyler said, breaking his train of thought. "Is this really you?"

"Y-yeah, it's me," Zack responded. "How are you?"

"Zack...w-we gotta be quick, I'm pretty sure this line's tapped," Tyler's voice was panicked, rushed. Zack's heart skipped. "I think they're after me, Zack and I'm trapped here with some fucking guy named Mikey."

"Wait, Mikey Barns is there now?"

"No, Way."

"What'd you mean 'no way', you're the one who said it?"

"No, his last name is Way, not Barns. Look, that doesn't matter," Tyler hissed, frustrated. "They're always listening to me and this Way guy has to be working with them. I'm not... I'm not safe here, Zack. You gotta get me out."

"Who do you think is trying to hurt you, Ty?" This is what Zack was afraid of. 

"I don't think and it's... it's dad and his pals, Zack... he lived and now he's after me-"

"Ty...," Zack was unsure of what to say. He knew he was unable to tell him what he actually called to tell him. How could he talk to his brother when he's like this about anything? "Dad's dead, Ty. H-he's gone. He can't hurt you anymore. Neither can his friends."

"Zack-"

"Trust me," Zack said with more fortitude. "Dad's dead. His blood and brain matter was all over my face and clothes. He's dead, Ty and those people are trying to help you. You're... you're sick, Tyler."

The line was silent enough to be dead, Zack almost ended the call when Tyler finally cleared his throat. "Blurry was right. You're not Zack. He'd believe me. You're a fucking imposter!" Zack held his breath and heard the staff in the background telling Tyler to get off the phone. "Fuck you! Where's my brother?! Where the fuck is my brother?!" Zack ended the call and squeezed his eyes shut. He was so alone in this. What the hell was he going to do?

"Zacky," Jay's small voice sounded from the entry way to Tyler's bedroom, technically Zack's now since he couldn't sleep in his own after what happened. Zack opened his eyes and a tear slipped down his face, he quickly wiped away the rest and turned to face his little brother. "I-I can't sleep."

"Come here," Zack said. Jay promptly ran to his older brother and sat next to him. "What's going on?"

"I had a bad dream...," the boy paused searching for words to say. "I...miss Ty."

Zack didn't know what to say, not now, not after that call. He wrapped an arm around the boy and pulled him against his side. Jay's small arms hugged his older brother tightly. "I miss him, too." Another tear fell and he didn't bother to stop it.

 

 ***(Present)***

 

It was difficult to stay standing for too long, Zack's body felt like a seventy-year old, obese, smoker's. Nothing like his going-on sixteen year old's body should be allowing to do. He felt weak and hopeless beyond anything he'd ever endured before. That was his life, though. What could he do about it? So, he sat down at the kitchen table catching his breath. He'd done good, the table was set with cake, taco bell and empty cups waiting to be filled with Redbull and soda. Everything was set up for Tyler's homecoming. 

 

From: Josh

Downstairs. Everything ready?

To: Josh

Yep. All set. Come on up.

 

Zack stood up and steadied himself at the table. He felt himself hold his breath in anticipation. He hadn't seen Tyler since that night and only talked to him twice since. He missed his brother.

 

***(3 weeks ago)***

 

The gown was less than comfortable and couldn't seem to wrap around him enough so he didn't feel the cold leather examination table on his back and ass. He swore there would be a heated imprint left once he was finished here. Just then, the door opened with a gentle knock. "I'm decent," he called in a low voice. He still wasn't feeling good from the last treatment but had been able to eat this morning with little nausea. 

The doctor came in, took a seat and stared at his clipboard. He never met Zack's eyes until after he took a deep breath. "Mr. Joseph, I-I'm... sorry. The treatments have had no affect and-" Zack quit hearing the doctor after that, he sat there in a daze and simply stared at the doctor's duck tie. Why the fuck does it have to be a goddamn duck tie? "I'd give it six months, at this point, maybe less."

Zack looked back up at the doctor's face. The aging man's green eyes were red and puffy, as though he had been crying. "Thank you." 

"Sorry," the man responded. 

"For all you've done these past eight months. You caught it late but you still tried. Thank you." The man looked astounded as he stood up and took Zack's outstretched.  

"It's a shame young gentlemen like yourself are the ones who suffer."

"Trust me, this ain't suffering," Zack let out a painful chuckle. "A disease of the mind is worse. There's no definite way out for them. For me, I'd be free of this one way or another."

 

***(Present)***

 

The doorknob turned and the door pushed opened. First was Josh who winked and smiled. "Oh, and one other surprise," he said and stepped out of the way. Tyler came into view, his hair messy and his face a few days unshaven. His eyes lit up then watered, Zack's were doing the same. 

Without words, Tyler rushed in, dropping his bag, and wrapped Zack up in a hug so tight it hurt. Zack didn't say anything, just tried to hug his brother in just as strong of an embrace. They stayed that way, silent and sniffling. "I missed you, bro," Tyler said finally.

"I missed you too, Ty." He was happy for a moment, right up until a pang of guilt hammered his stomach. How the hell does he tell Josh and especially Tyler, who's fresh out of the hospital, that he's terminal and might have five months, if he's lucky. There's no way, no real verbal equation to tell your brothers that you're dying. The hug broke and Tyler was wiping his eyes, Zack followed suit. He didn't have to tell anyone, not yet. For now, he could just be with his family. 


	4. Please, Take My Hand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tyler stood and walked with Josh his bedroom. "Oh joy, medicinal skittles," he said sarcastically.

***(Present)***

 

Zack and Tyler seemed to talk about anything and everything for a couple hours straight, all the while avoiding the topics: Cancer, Kelly, Chris and Tyler's time at both the jail and hospital. Neither of them seemed bothered by it, so Josh wouldn't be either. He actually was laughing along with the brothers' banter. He couldn't stop smiling, seeing the two of them together. Josh hadn't had much to add to their conversation, so he sat back and listened. After some time, Josh opted to do the clean up, not wanting to cause disruption to the two's reunion. Once the dishes were done, he realized the apartment was quiet. He went in the living room and saw a blue screen on a long since over movie and Zack asleep on the couch with Tyler sitting against it at his younger brother's feet and beginning to snooze. "Hey, Ty," Josh whispered. Tyler's eyes shot open and looked momentarily panicked as he took in his surroundings. His breathing began to calm when he saw Josh, who felt guilty for scaring him. "Med time, fren."

Tyler stood and walked with Josh his bedroom. "Oh joy, medicinal skittles," he said sarcastically. He took the medications Josh handed him with a grim look that made Josh wish like all hell, he didn't have to do it, but instead gave Tyler an open and full bottle of water. Tyler didn't protest and downed the medications and the entire bottle of water. Josh kept stared on. "You need to check," Tyler asked and pointed to his mouth. 

Josh sighed, "Do I?" Tyler opened his mouth and lifted his tongue. The guy was good and Josh nodded. "You know I trust you, right?"

"Yeah, well...," Tyler shrugged. "I don't." 

Josh nodded. "Then I'll make sure to check. Just for you," he said and playfully and gently punched Tyler's shoulder. 

Tyler smiled. "You know, I never thanked you for everything," he said. 

"You don't have to," Josh replied, shaking his head.

"Yes, I do," Tyler said. "You've done a lot for my brother and been a rock for both of us." Josh gave a slight grin and looked down. "I know that you had to get yourself together to make all of this possible, Josh." Josh looked up again. Tyler's face was sincere and his eyes were vulnerable. "I'm glad you're alive, Josh. I wouldn't know what to do if I lost you." Josh nodded and blinked back unshed tears. Tyler wrapped his arms around Josh, who did the same. "I love you," Tyler said.

"Love you, too," Josh said. They stayed this way for a few moments before they broke apart.

Tyler cleared his throat, "Now let's reestablished our manhood and play some kart before bed."

Josh scoffed, "You want to lose, like always?"

"My fren, there was nothing better to do in that hospital's rec-room. I'm gonna smoke you."

 

 ***(8 months ago)***

 

 Visiting hours always made the other patients light up or even more grim than normal. For Josh, this time, he actually lit up. The moment he saw Pete enter with a visitors badge, Josh smiled for the first time in over a month. Pete had his wide spread smile, as well and the two embraced. "Well, Dun-shine, how the hell have you been," he asked, breaking away. 

"Slighty suicidal with a side of scared of death," Josh answered, only partially kidding.

Pete nodded, still smiling. "So, the usual?"

"Yeah," Josh responded with a laugh. They walked over to the nearest free table and sat opposite each other. 

Pete's smile was smaller. "So, really, how's this place treating you? I'm here and can take out that orderly if he's been giving you problems."

Josh chuckled. "That guy's good. This place really isn't so bad. My roommate is kinda interesting, though."

"Good or bad, interesting?"

"Good, I think, that's the interesting part."

Pete smiled, "Fair enough. Which one of these guys is your roommate?" Pete looked around the room trying to spot them.

"He's not in here. Brendon doesn't get visitors very often," Josh answered. It actually made Josh slightly upset that his roommate's friends and family never showed up. At the same time, Pete was Josh's only visitor so far and the only one who called him every day. "So... um.... How's Tyler?"

"Josh, even your doctor told me not to talk about that with you," Pete said. He began playing with some random crumb on the table. 

"Pete," Josh said, looking up from the crumb. "Come on, just tell me he's still alive."

"Come on, Josh," Pete started. "I would tell you if your best friend was dead. I'm not that much of a dickhead." They were both silent for a few more minutes. "They finally started Tyler's trial and have him in protective custody."

"Wait, why protective custody? Not that I'm complaining, but why?"

"Josh," Pete breathed. "It's just for the trial. Okay, relax... breathe. Just know that he's safe, alright?"

Josh began to protest but thought better of it. "How's work at the shop?"

"Busy, we need another pair of hands. I'm overloaded, anymore," Pete said with a sigh to follow. "You want a job after you get out of this place?"

"Serious," Josh asked. Pete shrugged. "I know next to nothing about cars."

"Which means you won't think you know everything and I can teach you the right way to take care of an engine."

Josh thought about that for a minute before nodding, "I'll think about it. Thanks, Pete."

Pete chuckled, "Don't be too quick to thank me, the job sucks." They went on to talk about the shop, the remarkably delicious hospital food and how Pete's limited social life was becoming more invovled with some guy named Patrick. Then the hour was up and Pete had to say goodbye; leaving Josh longing, more than ever, for the outside world. He needed to get out, if not for himself, so that he could be there to support Tyler. 

 

***(Present)***

 

 "You know what's coming," Tyler taunted. Josh knew exaclty what was coming, he took the lead without thinking about the consequences. 

"I swear to god, Tyler, don't do it," Josh warned. He was so close to the finish line now. He utilized his speed boost, trying to make it to the end. The alarm from the incoming blue shell emerged and... impact. Inches from the finish line. 

Tyler laughed hysterically as he passed Josh's screen into first place and won. Josh scooted along pissed as his screen listed 2nd. "Told you," Tyler yelled. He shrinked back immediately, obviously frightened of waking up his brother who was sprawled on the couch. Tyler said in a lower voice, "Can't beat me anymore, J. I'm the new master of 'kart."

"Pfft, whatever," Josh teased. "I wasn't even trying. I let you win."

"Fifteen rounds in a row," Tyler asked. When Josh rolled his eyes, he added, "Yeah, that's what I thought." The room fell silent, with only the faint sound of Zack's snoring to fill it. 

"So, you want to see your room?" Tyler gave a soft smile and nodded. Josh got up from his seat in the bean bag and walked down the hall. He heard Tyler following behind him.

 

***(7 weeks ago)***

 

Josh put the final tac in the band poster above the bed. He clambered down off of the mattress amd proceeded to fix the bed. "So," he started as Zack leaned against the door. "Your room's all set up, Tyler's will be tomorrow. I think we're doing alright."

"Yeah," Zack agreed tiredly. He had been leaning against the wall at the entrance of the small bedroom. "Thanks, Josh. I appreciate you letting me crash here sometimes."

"No problem, fren. I'm glad to have a place for you here."

"I'm sorry," Zack said. "I'm really tired, Jo-" He began falling down the wall. Josh was at his side and draping the boy's arm over Josh's shoulders. 

"Come on, buddy," Josh said, though he was sure Zack was barely conscious at this point. Josh laid him softly on the mattress. Josh stared at the fragile teenager in his once spare room. He still hasn't told his best friend that his little brother was diagnosed and been treated for advanced cancer. At Zack's request, Josh kept his mouth shut about it. Though Josh didn't enjoy keeping secrets from Tyler, he knew it was Zack's business and without the younger brother's green light, he shouldn't share anything. All the while, he understood that Tyler would have to be told while still safe in custody. It was the best option to hopefully keep Tyler stable. 

 

 ***(Present)***

 

"HELP!" Josh shot up from his bed with a jolt. "NO! STOP!" Josh was on his feet and running towards Tyler's room. "Please.... Leave me alone!" Tyler looked asleep, though he was flailing on his bed so violently that he would fall off and/or break something at any moment. Josh leaped onto the bed and wrapped his arms around and over Tyler's, forcing the boy's arms at his sides. Tyler kepted screaming while Josh repeated himself over and over again softly, "You're safe. It's me, Josh. Nothing bad is going to happen to you. You're safe." 

Tyler's muscles loosened and quit moving and his eyes began fluttering open. Josh calmly let go and slowly moved off the bed. Tyler started blinking rapidly and reached for the bottled water on the nightstand. After downing over half of the bottle's contents, he looked up at Josh. "I'm sorry...."

"Hey, don't worry about it," Josh said, realizing how out of breath he was. Tyler was a lot stronger than he had anticipated. "Do you need one of your Ativans?"

Tyler shook he head. "I'm good. Go back to sleep." Seeing Josh's hesitation, he added, "I'm good, Josh. Seriously."

Josh turned to head out of the room and went to the safe. He unlocked it and grabbed his Xanex. He took in two pills and put the bottle away.  _I got this. I got this._

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. I'm Scared of My Own Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sure, they could be around him all they wanted, but Tyler felt himself trapped on the island of his mind. He was still crumbling and wasting away, slowly. All the medication and watchful eyes in the world couldn't stop that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm never alone. I'm alone all the time." -Bush, 'Glycerine'.

***(Present)***

 

It's been two days of living at Josh's apartment, and Tyler couldn't seem to shake the constant anxiety from not being within the confining walls of the hospital. His hands shook too much to even attempt to write down his jumbled thoughts, and his heart seemed to always feel as though it was ready to beat out of his chest. Forming words was a whole new difficulty that he'd not been familiar with since after his dad shot him as a kid and up until Chris' jail sentence. "Fuck," he whispered toward nothing and no one in particular. He found himself doing that a lot, vocalizing his doom-based mind. He was in his room at the moment, so he wasn't worried about somebody hearing him. For once, no one was watching him. He didn't know how to feel about that. A simple quote from a song came to his mind, "I'm never alone. I'm alone all the time". Even when Josh and Zack were there with him, he wasn't with them. Sure, they could be around him all they wanted, but Tyler felt himself trapped on the island of his mind. He was still crumbling and wasting away, slowly. All the medication and watchful eyes in the world couldn't stop that. Tyler stood up and went to his dresser, taking the notebook off along with his pen. He sat down on his bed, opening the empty book up at a random page, he pressed the ink to the sheet. With shaky hands, he wrote out a single sentence

_Clearly I'm dying, dearly I am writing, merely testifying that a test to fly requires that I pass the test with colors flying._

Tyler read the sentence back to himself, then again, then one more time before he heard a knock at his door. His emotions, those distant things blocked off and hauled away by medication, clearly felt this sentence to no end, but Tyler... he didn't know if he could connect with them, or anything for that matter. It has become rare for him to feel anything other than the slow and steady decay of his mind. "Yeah," he said at another knock.

Josh walked in, "Hey, you about ready to go? Your appointment begins in like an hour."

"Yeah, just gotta get my shoes on," he replied. He'd honestly forgotten about his therapy appointment today.  

 

***(2 months ago)***

 

"Where's your access badge," Kelly asked. Tyler looked down at and scanned his body to see no badge. The badge's location -- on his desk -- reformed in his mind. 

"Sorry," he said and began running back to his room to retrieve the badge.

"Joseph, you would forget your ass if it wasn't attached," Kelly called. He had a funny way of putting things, but Tyler liked him, for being a tech. 

Tyler busted into the room at almost a full sprint. He gritted his teeth waiting for Mikey to jump at the sudden entry, but when Tyler looked over at Mikey's bed, the boy didn't move. He was facing away from Tyler and laying down, his posture indicated that the boy was likely asleep. Tyler grabbed his badge and began walking out the door before he stopped.  _Mikey doesn't sleep_ , Tyler thought. He turned his gaze back at the boy, "Hey, Mikey," he said lowly. The room was cold, air hit Tyler's uncovered arms and lower legs due to his basketball attire. There was something else making the room so cold, though. "Mikey," Tyler said again. Tyler stepped forward to the other patient's bed.

The boy finally turned over to face Tyler. For a moment, Tyler felt relief. At least until he saw red staining liquid on the sheets of Mikey's bed. Deep crimson slashes ran length wise on both wrists. "T-ty...."

"Fuck," Tyler dropped his pass and picked Mikey's wrists up. He grabbed the loose sheets around them and wrapped it around both wounds. "Help! Nurse! Help!" 

"L-let m-e die.... please...." Mikey's eyes were glazed over and almost gone. 

"Fuck that, Mikey, that's not happening," Tyler said. 

Mikey focused on Tyler's eyes and remained that way. "I-i'm... already... d-dead."

"Move out of the way, Joseph," Kelly said from behind. Another tech and a nurse were with him. Tyler let go of Mikey's wrists once Kelly took them. He felt his legs back up towards the door and then stop. He watched them try to keep Mikey awake, then watched them load him into a wheelchair, and then raced him out of the room. Tyler's gaze turned to the blood soaked sheets of the bed. 

A single thought crept its way into Tyler's mind.  _That could've been Josh_.

 

***(Present)***

 

 Josh had gotten to the office early for his own appointment, leaving Tyler in the waiting room to gaze at crappy magazines. After waiting for about ten minutes, Tyler got bored and decided to walk around the large building. They were on the fifth floor and only two floors above was the roof. A weird longing to be up there overtook him and he decided that it wouldn't hurt to go where the wind would occupy his mind away from itself. Sneaking onto the service elevator was easy enough, no one was watching it and it didn't require any kind of pass-key. The sun was nearly too overwhelming and hurt Tyler's eyes for a few moments. Tyler walked from the elevator to the center of the roof. Then he looked to his right and saw the city before him, he walked toward it. He leaned and put his elbows on the wall/guard, meant to be here so that a person couldn't just step off. _Not the best security for a psychotherapy institute_ , Tyler thought.  _They must have a lot of faith in there abilities as professionals_. Tyler felt his mind take him to dark places like it always did. He didn't try to stop it this time. He looked over the edge and down at the ant sized humans walking and driving to places that seemed too important to have their day disrupted. Do these people even care? Does anyone ever actually care about each other? 

Tyler's mind went to Josh's attempt, or when he found out about his best friend's attempt. None of these people would've cared that an eighteen year old took too many pills on purpose. None of them would've cared that Josh's sister would never recover. None of them would have the slightest sympathy for his psychotic best friend hearing about it behind bars. Then Tyler considered Mikey. No one cared about him. Not his own family, with the exception of his older brother. Not his old school mates. No one would ever fucking care. Why do people not care about each other? So quick to call suicide a selfish act. So quick to blame it on the person's weakness and not how society made that their only choice. Personally, Tyler had never really considered suicide as an option. He couldn't. If he had died, who would teach Jay how to write? Who would read Maddy a story every morning before school? Who would protect Zack from the pieces of shit at school? 

No. He could never consider suicide as an option. At least, he couldn't before. Now was different. Now was... dangerous. See, now he wasn't responsible for those kids, not really. More than that, outside of Zack, he didn't get to see his own family. There was a hole in his chest. A void. The piece that used to be there belonged to his family. When they were gone, so was Tyler's piece that lay determined to fight on. Maybe Josh and Mikey had it right when they attempted. Maybe Tyler was evil for depriving that peace away from Mikey. Maybe Josh's father was even more of a bastard for stripping Josh of his right to die as he chose. These strangers below wouldn't care. He'd be just another statistic. And his mother... she might cheer and celebrate the death of her husband's killer.

 

***(3 months ago)***

 

The guy in front of Tyler finally hung up the phone after their thirty minute phone call. Tyler seized the phone so fast that he almost knocked the machine off of the counter. His fingers rapidly dialed his old home number. He was so hoping one of the kids would grab it instead of Kelly.  "Hello." That was Jay's voice.

"Hey, Jay," Tyler said back. He felt tears sting his eyes and he blinked them away. "You know who this is?"

"Is this Ty," he asked.

"Yeah, buddy," Tyler said. The other line turned into distorted hysterics. Tyler felt himself laugh, actually laugh, for the first time in months. "How you been?"

"I've missed you so much, Ty. This house sucks with you gone. Are you coming ba-"

"Give me the phone," a faint voice said. It was louder the next time they spoke. "Who is this?"

"Hey, Kelly," Tyler answered. "I was just-"

"Breaking the restraining order, already," she finished. 

"I just was wanting to check on everyone, I don't see the problem wi-"

"You're a danger to their well being, Tyler." 

"How the hell am I a danger to them," Tyler nearly yelled into the phone. A tech looked up and Tyler nodded, knowing he needed to keep his cool or else the tech would involve himself. "I'm taking my meds now and I'm no longer going 'coo coo for Coco Puffs' over here and I'm not any kind of threat."

"I shouldn't have even taken your call," Kelly retorted.

"Like you shouldn't have taken dad's," Tyler spat. The line was silent, Tyler would've thought the line was dead if he didn't hear his mom's heavy sigh. "Even in death, you're still taking that asshole's side, aren't you? You still blame me for wasting him...."

"You murdered your own father. God will never forgive you."

Tyler felt his blood boil and spill over. "Fuck God," Tyler said, rather loudly into the phone. He didn't care what attention he attracted. "Where was He when my own father had me fucking raped?" Kelly was quiet. "In fact, where the fuck were you? I never asked. Did you know it was happening?"

"No, I didn't-"

"You're not stupid, Kelly. You had to put two and two together." Tyler felt a pang in his stomach, again. "Did you find out, at least?"

The line was dead silent for a moment before his mother said coldly into the phone, "I had suspicion."

"And you let it continue? Are you fucking kidding me," Tyler shouted. He couldn't hold any of this in, anymore. "When was anything he did going to be enough?! After he went after you, Josh and Zack; almost killing Zack, I might add; were you finally going to grow some spine and leave him?! Or were you going to let him continue destroying your fucking kids?!"

"Tyler," the tech said, moving to stand next to him. "Come on, calm down or you gotta get off."

"What were you going to do  _mom_ ," he spat the last word. "What are you doing now? Keeping me away from the kids I've cooked almost every meal for, changed nearly every diaper and tucked in every night." Tyler felt his chest tighten, as his brain made these revelations the same moment they passed through his lips. "You're taking me away from  _my_ kids." 

"They're my kids, Tyler," Kelly said coldly. "So stay the hell away from them and me."

"Tyler, come on, get off the phone," the tech said, standing directly next to him.

Tyler breathed heavily, unable to follow the tech's orders. The other line was gone, but not before Kelly added, "You're not my son."

 

***(Present)***

 

Tyler now stood, not just at the edge of the building, there he would've at least been leaning against the concrete guard wall. No, he was on the edge of the guard wall, standing straight with his hands at his sides. "Will you look at my ashes and say 'a person lived here' or will you look at each other and recognize that I'm still alive?"

"Tyler, what are you saying," Josh said from behind.  _When did he get up here?_

"I'm saying that I'm dying, Josh... or I'm already dead. I'm nothing but ashes anymore. Anything living left of me was given to everyone else. I have nothing left."  _Was he speaking? Was that really him? Why was he on the edge? Why was he doing this?_

"No you're not. You're alive and you can stay alive. You don't have to die, Tyler." That wasn't Josh's voice. His new therapist, maybe? 

Tyler jumped backwards and landed feet first back onto the roof. He turned around and saw the two standing wide-eyed and scared. Josh and a small mid-eastern looking lady were standing perplexed at Tyler. "I don't know what's wrong with me," Tyler choked out.  _When did he start crying?_

Josh went up to Tyler and wrapped his arms around him. "Nothing. It's okay. You're okay," he soothed. 

_No. I'm not..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys. Comments and feedback would be really appreciated.


	6. Release Me From The Present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Talk about a hiatus, right?   
> Sorry, the chapter's short but I thought I should start updating this story again. Hope everyone is still with me.

"Wait...," Zack was getting his breath back from walking into the kitchen. As he sat down at the table, he continued, "He did what?" Tyler was in his room now and apparently having zero intention of leaving it. Josh gave him an extra anti-anxiety to help him calm down and it put him asleep as far as they could tell. 

"He stood on the ledge of a several story building," Josh breathed as he rubbed his tired eyes. He sat across from Zack looking even more out of it by the second. "And then he got off and just broke down."

"What'd his therapist say," he asked. 

"'We'll try again tomorrow'," Josh quoted. 

"WE TRY AGAIN TOMORROW! What the-" Zack was cut off by whooping coughs so fierce he doubled over. He felt Josh's hand on his back patting and rubbing to try and soothe the younger. "I'm g...good...," Zack managed to breathe out and sit back up.

"You're not suppose to get too amped up, remember," Josh reminded him. "We'll figure out all of this stuff with Ty, okay? I promise. We're not going to allow him to get bad, again."

"Do you think it's the medication, is it not working-"

"Hey, calm down," Josh said softly. "He could need an increased dose of his uppers, but it could honestly just be Ty. The doctor told me that the PTSD alone can cause brief mood swings."

Zack began twiddling his thumbs, more and more getting lost in thought. Every single time he thought things might get better, that Tyler's situation was looking better, every single time he'd been wrong. Every single time. "Well, what do we do now?"

"Watch him a little closer, I guess," Josh said, looking more and more exhausted with every word. "The doc didn't want to hospitalize him if she could help it. According to her, the fact that he got off of the ledge himself is progress. Especially after his incident at the penitentiary."

Zack nodded in agreement, honestly not feeling much better than Josh looked. "Why don't you get some rest and I'll stay awake with Tyler?"

"You need rest Zack. You're doctor wants you to take it easy," Josh protested.

"Yeah, and you look like hammered shit," Zack shot back. "Besides, I sleep all of the time and will probably want to pass out in a couple hours. Just take a nap, at least."

Josh nodded. "And you'll wake me up if something goes wrong, right?" 

"Of course, my liege." Josh scoffed and walked over to the couch. 

"Go check on him, if you could," Josh asked tiredly. 

"Alrighty-" Zack started as he stood, right up until he saw that Josh was already gone. Zack smiled slightly, happy to see Josh resting. Something he hadn't seen the guy do a lot the past few months. 

 

***(18 months ago)***

 

"Hey, bro! Come out here," Tyler yelled from the living room. Zack put away his notebook and nearly ran to see what his older brother had been shouting about. When he finally entered the entry way, he glanced in the living room and saw his brother. Next to his brother was a guy around Tyler's age with short and curly brown hair. 

"Hey," the boy said. "I'm Josh." Zack slowly nodded, still trying to calculate this guy's motives, and shook his hand. Tyler seemed in a good mood. He was smiling and laughing with mom -- a rare sight -- and was putting their coats on the rack. 

"I'm Zack, but my mom spelled it wrong. Z-A-C-K," he said.

"Honestly, Zack," his mom started. "Why do you tell everyone that?"

"Because you're illiterate mother," Tyler answered with a joking smile. 

Their mother playfully slapped him on the shoulder, "Stop that." Then she went on laughing herself. Zack took in the strange sight of the two getting along like it was a regular thing. They never did that. The only reason he could see for this had to be the stranger standing in front of him. That's also when he realized how long he'd been awkwardly shaking the guy -- Josh's hand. They both let go and Josh kept his smile. 

"Well, it looks like I'm gonna have to make up a special dinner for our guest," their mom said. "Let me see what we have."

"Oh, you don't have to," Josh said politely. "They have a ton of snacks at the end of every group session." 

"And I'm sure Josh doesn't like the taste of burnt... well, anything," Zack said. Their mom laughed and went into the kitchen anyway. Now Zack was really worried. That sort of comment usually warrented one of two outcomes: Getting something thrown at him or having to apologize while she teared up. Whether this Josh guy alright or not, Zack liked the affect he had on their mother. 

 

***(Present)***

 

Zack knocked on the bedroom door lately as he took a step in. He wasn't waiting for a response, not with the events that transpired that day. "Hey, Ty," he said as his older brother looked up from his book to make eye contact. "What are you reading?"

Tyler's eyes floated back to his book. "If you're here to check up on me, just say it. I know Josh told you." 

"Okay," Zack nodded. "I'm here to check up on you. See how you're doing."

"I'm fine," Tyler said in the most monotone voice he could've mustered. "Now that you have found out that useful information, can you leave?"

"Ty, don't do that," Zack huffed. 

Tyler slammed his book shut and stared directly at his younger brother. "Do what?"

"Push me away," Zack said quietly. Tyler dropped his gaze and shut his eyes. "Don't do that to me." They were both quiet. Zack didn't know what to do. Stay standing in silence? Try to talk again? Maybe even leave? All he could think was either leave or help; and he didn't know how to help. How did anyone help Tyler. He didn't let people in, let alone help. The worst feeling in the world, that Zack could think of, was the feeling he had when Tyler pushed him away. When Tyler didn't let him in. Seeing his older brother in so much pain, but being unable to fix it, all the while watching on in desperation... it was the worse feeling in the world.

"Zack," Tyler said, breaking the uncomfortable silence. Tyler's eyes were still closed but it didn't take long for Zack to witness a tear falling down his brother's face. "I'm sorry."

Zack rushed over to the bed and knelt down next to Tyler. He gently put a hand on his brother's back. "Hey, it's okay. It's all okay, Tyler." 

Tyler shook his head back and forth, then wiped away his tears. "I almost jumped, Zack... and I d-don't... I don't know why." Zack instinctively put his arms around his brother as Tyler confessed. 

"You didn't, though, Ty," Zack soothed. "That's what matters, right?" 

"I can't stop thinking about it, Zack. I can't stop thinking about just fucking dying," Tyler sobbed. "I c-can't do this anymore." The last sentence was like a knife in his heart. His older brother, his unstoppable and tough-as-nails brother, was broken... right in front of him. Just a shell of what he was. How could Zack request for anything more, least of all after what Tyler had done. Had done to protect his family. 

"You can do this, Ty. You can do this. You're the strongest guy I know," Zack said, feeling tears sting the backs of his own eyes. "I'm with you, Tyler. I'm with you."


End file.
